He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You were trust falling into bushes
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
