I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
