wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
