New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
