I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
