Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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