I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
