no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
