Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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