I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
