Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
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