i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
