I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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