we have officially lost it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
