your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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