I queefed so loud it echoed.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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