hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
