were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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