nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize