I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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