this just has baby written all over it
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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