I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
