I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
