Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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