I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
