I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
