I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
