whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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