just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Alive.
So much puke
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
