ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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