I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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