Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
