Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
