I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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