I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
mondays should just be called national damage control day
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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