I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
