The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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