a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
