I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
