that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
