So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
