He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
