new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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