i just sent this text using only my big toe
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
