i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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