There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
