I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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