Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
