I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
