I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
