You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
