she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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