gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
