I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
