You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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