Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
