I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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