My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
