I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
one two three fourrrrnication!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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