i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
